Watch it work.

This is what Monday morning looks like when someboty handles your portfolio. Real Somerce data. Five minutes of actual work, compressed into one scroll.

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Analyst 07:30
📊 MONDAY BRIEFING — w/e 23 March 2026 Portfolio: £583,400 GMV P.Louise: £318,600 (↓6.6%) Return 3.2% Unilever: £131,400 (↑11.2%) Return 3.6% Beauty Crop: £82,100 (↑4.7%) Return 5.1% ⚠️ THRESHOLD Free Soul: £51,300 (↑4.9%) Return 2.4% 3 actions flagged. React 👀 to expand. someboty sorted.

The morning briefing arrives before you do. The numbers are already there, with commentary. No meetings needed to discuss what happened last week. You already know. We call it Material Intelligence — every brief, every data point is raw material. someboty shapes it into decisions.

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Scout 09:15
🎯 CREATOR SOURCING COMPLETE Brief: Unilever skincare, 25-34 demo, engagement >4% Processed: 200 creators Time: 4m 12s Qualified: 7 Borderline: 3 Filtered: 190 Top match: @skincarebyjess (94/100) Reasons attached.

200 creators. 4 minutes. 7 that fit. Scout doesn't just filter; it reads the brief and evaluates every creator against Unilever's brand standards.

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Otto 09:18
🧠 CROSS-PORTFOLIO INSIGHT Creator @dove scored for Unilever brief. Match scores: P.Louise: 79/100 Unilever (Own Brand): 53/100 Gap: 26 points. Recommendation: Route @dove to P.Louise campaign instead.

One insight. Fifty-five brands. The intelligence compounds. Unilever's own account fits a competitor better than itself — visible only because every creator is scored across all brands simultaneously.

learn somefink: a creator's brand fit isn't about their content category — it's about whether their function matches what the brand actually needs. Brand-building and sales-driving are different jobs.

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Shield 11:42
🛡️ COMPLIANCE ALERT Listing #4421 flagged before publishing. Claim: "scientifically proven to reduce acne" Status: PROHIBITED HEALTH CLAIM Regulation: ASA/CAP Code Safe alternative: "Formulated with salicylic acid. Helps manage problem skin." Action required within 48 hours. Reasons attached.

Every listing audited. Before TikTok catches it. The risk flagged before it becomes a crisis. Not after TikTok flags it. Before.

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Otto 16:00
✅ ALL TASKS COMPLETE Briefings delivered. Creators qualified. Compliance checked. It's 4pm. Your list is done. Go for the walk. someboty sorted.

someboty handles the 80%. You be brilliant at the 20%.

The Live Sheet Moment

P.Louise: £318,600 (↓6.6%) | Return 3.2%
Dove: £131,400 (↑11.2%) | Return 3.6%
Beauty Crop: £82,100 (↑4.7%) | Return 5.1% ⚠️
Free Soul: £51,300 (↑4.9%) | Return 2.4%
Total: £583,400 (+3.5% WoW)

This is your Google Sheet. Your numbers. Your data. Every Monday, your team updates it with last week's GMV. Otto reads it at 5:30am, spots what matters (Beauty Crop's return spike, Dove's momentum, P.Louise's saturation), and writes the briefing before you open your laptop.

You don't input data. You don't attend meetings to discuss what happened. Otto already knows. The Sheet is the handshake — between your existing workflow and the intelligence layer that actually thinks about your portfolio.

The briefing was ready at 6am. You heard it at 7. You started work at 8 knowing exactly what moved and why.

learn somefink: most AI tools ask you to input data. This one reads data you already have, finds what matters, and delivers it before you start work. That's the difference between a tool and a workforce.


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